So, my sin and I broke up last week. At least I think it was last week. Everything got blurry since the time I landed in that household until the day after I left it.
I wish I could tell you I was all torn up about it on the inside, but I am not. In fact, I feel pretty damn good about it. This is my first real break up that was bloody, messy and loud…and I feel like it was exactly the right thing to happen. The unexplainable sense of obligation is lifted and I can actually start to see things a bit clearer. Rather than think “Hamilton is home because that is where I am needed”, I can go out and find some place where I am wanted just for who I am. And, most importantly, find a place where I want to be.
In the middle of the proverbial hitting the fan, I was reminded that I have to let go of my sense to control how others see and feel about me. I have to understand that sometimes, things just go sour. I have spent a lot of time, about the distance between Hamilton, Ontario and Halifax, Nova Scotia thinking about why I worry so much about wanting to belong somewhere. What is the appeal of being a part of something beyond my own little existence? Why do I romanticize the notion of belonging somewhere with phrases such as “my own little existence?” Isn’t this the train of thought that gangs and cults look for when recruiting new members?
I guess, one could trace it back to some kind of latent sense of abandonment that developed when I was just a wee little tot. But that seems like a bit of a cop out. I guess, when it all gets boiled down, is that all I have ever wanted to do was put up roots, start a family and live a very simple life. However, it wasn’t until recently that I started to actually have the confidence and the peace of mind to obtain that goal. So is that the missing key? As yoda would say, you cannot belong if you want to belong.
Stop caring and then I will find and make friends? I sincerely doubt it. I mean – the problem is that I am not sure I want more “friends” and would much rather stick with the ones I have. Even the ones on the periphery are fine with me. I really don’t feel like taking the time or energy to make new friendships at the moment. This time is all about me, myself, and I. I suppose that is entirely selfish, but the problem I have been having for YEARS is that I don’t actually know how to be selfish.
It’s time to let the universe unfold.
…And study.
.J
